Sometimes I wonder if I should make some of these journal entries privates somehow–or maybe I should place a disclaimer on my posts: “Warning: I am on an emotional roller coaster, and sometimes my posts can seem sappy or sad.” The truth is, as much as I know some of you appreciate reading these posts, I write them more for my own individualized therapeutic purposes. That said…
The last couple days have been very difficult. Everything triggers an emotional response. Everything becomes stressful. I’ve tried focusing on the positives: Cynthia is back from Chicago, spending lots of quality baseball time with Avi, going to three Cubs-Diamondbacks games this week/weekend, heading to Chicago right along with the Cubs for their home opener on Monday night against the Reds, going to see a couple old friends while in the Windy City. The positive feelings those things bring up are short and fleeting.
I got a call yesterday from a friend–that unfortunately led to the overwhelming feeling of missing Micah. As much as I wanted to talk to that friend of many years, I couldn’t even dial his number. I’ll call him back soon, but right now that nerve is just too raw.
Yes, it’s been over two months since Micah passed. We keep his bedroom door open. I try to spend a few minutes a day talking to him, letting him know how much I miss him. Yeah–I know he probably knows, but it still gives me a little extra comfort to have those “conversations.”
Everyone is busy getting ready for next hockey season now. I see posts about Micah’s teammates and their pre-tryout skates, their thoughts about where they want to play next season. I talk to coaches at AHU about the team I’ve been asked to coach next season, leading to thoughts about goalies, and then…I have to stop and recompose myself.
I’d like to say that I know this will eventually fade…but I don’t think it will. I don’t foresee a time where I don’t miss my son. How could I? I cannot–will not let his memory fade. It’s all I have.