I’ve seen sunny days that I thought would never end.
I’ve seen lonely times when I could not find a friend,
But I always thought I’d see you again.

–“Fire and Rain,” James Taylor.

The long and winding road of tonight’s pseudo-Seder eventually led to my personal rendition of this popular James Taylor song.  I think Micah would have really liked tonight’s version of the Seder.

I know he would have liked the food.  Micah was always a big proponent of my BBQ brisket and matzo ball soup.  The soup especially came out fantastic tonight, as did the matzo kugel (a bread pudding without the bread :)).  Not that Micah ever didn’t eat well (and not that you’d know by looking at his slim figure), but on nights like tonight, there would not be much in terms of leftovers–he would personally see to that.

What Micah would have really enjoyed was the free-flowing, free-association type of Seder that we held tonight.  Avi told a brief somewhat accurate, somewhat fantasy-laden version of the story of the exodus from Egypt–but that quickly turned into a series of songs, song parodies, movie mashup ideas (Deadpool and The Sound of Music?  Deadpool and Joseph and His Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat?  Deadpool and anything rated PG or less?) and just a lot of fun in the spirit of the holiday.

After a trip out to get some dessert, Bahama Bucks shaved ice style, we returned to wordplay briefly, ending with my singing the chorus from Fire and Rain.  It was innocent enough: just blurting out songs that had “Fire” in them.  But being the overly analytical person that I am, I starting thinking about the rest of the lyrics to the song:

“Won’t you look down upon me Jesus, you’ve got to help me make a stand.  You’ve just got to see me through another day.  My body’s aching and my time is at hand and I won’t make it any other way.”  The chorus…then, “Been walking my mind to an easy time, my back turned towards the sun.  Lord knows when the cold wind blows it’ll turn your head around.  Well, there’s hours of time on the telephone line to talk about things to come.  Sweet dreams and flying machines in pieces on the ground.”

It’s such a melancholy song–but so real.  Good moments and bad.  Spent hours of time on the telephone line to talk about things to come–a pleasant, hopeful sounding conversation, then: sweet dreams and flying machines in pieces on the ground–beautiful ideas and dreams crashed out and destroyed.  For me, all the personal thoughts about Micah, everything we talked about for times to come, only to now be in pieces on the ground.

I knew, as I said yesterday, that this would be another rough spot for me–another landmark of something special that is now without Micah.  It wasn’t a bad day–just a little hectic and busy, running around to gather the pieces needed to cook the Seder meal, and then several hours standing in the kitchen making the meal (I am the family chef), but there was something missing.  The inadvertent symbolism of the sixth chair at the table where only five would eat…