I’ve reached the midway point of another stressful week. No–the dam wall hasn’t burst yet at work. The water keeps building up behind it, but so far the wall has held. The flood of transcripts and files has not yet come crashing down on me.
Have you ever felt like no matter what you do, you are doomed to continue repeating the same mistakes? Perhaps they don’t feel like mistakes at all–your actions feel like the right thing to do, and yet the end results are never satisfying. The day ends, much as have most days in the past, and nothing has really changed.
I keep asking myself the question: what am I hoping to achieve here? I don’t do things for others because I expect something in return. I draw my satisfaction from knowing that I’ve helped other people, even if only in some small way. And yet, as many people as I help, there’s still an emptiness. There’s still something missing.
Initially, I wonder if this is just another manifestation of missing Micah. I’ve spent lots of time and effort helping others since I was a teenager. This emptiness has always been there, waiting…but for what? Thirty years later, I still don’t know.
Still, I move on much as I have for 45 years–someone calls, I help. Someone emails, I try to resolve. Someone tweets, I’m there to lend an ear, a shoulder, a calming word, a caring thought. No matter what else may happen, that will never change. But perhaps–just perhaps, I’ll eventually figure out how to fill that emptiness, or someone will help me to do so.
For now, I’ll go back to monitoring my email, my texts, my tweets–answering the call in whatever form it should come.