While getting ready for work this morning, I began to think about making a rare tech post about my decision to give the new OnePlus 3 a try.  Maybe I would talk a little about the new mini 3D printer waiting in a box in my office.  This was what I had planned to blog about this evening–before the day unfolded.  Now, I’m conflicted.

I’ve talked somewhat regularly about my fear that eventually my strength would give way to allow more intense grieving.  The “meltdown” that I expected when Micah died–that did not happen, I continue to live on, expecting that it will hit at some point.  Today was another day that Micah was never far from my mind.  From viewing his picture on my computer screen to his pictures in the living room to mental images of him running through my head while I chatted with parents at the rink tonight.  Some parents that knew or knew of Micah, and others that did not know of my loss, but all part of the conversations that conjured those images in my mind.

More than one parent tonight asked how I could still stand to be at the rink, preparing for the upcoming season–one that Micah will never play in.  I gave my usual, honest answer: over 10 years of exposure to youth hockey, this has become a large part of who I am.  Whether it’s being the manager, or working on hockey tournaments, or simply being around the rink, talking to the parents–this is me now, in large part thanks to Micah.  But all of this does not mean my trips to the rink are easy, or healing, or devoid of pain.  Right now, they are none of those things.

On a day like today, I feel.  I miss.  I mourn.  On a day like today, I look up and see Micah smiling at me in a picture–and I am chilled with the knowledge that I will never see his smile in person again.  I look at him in his hockey jersey and mask, in his choir tuxedo, or just in a t-shirt posing for a picture, and I see a 15-year old boy that was so much a part of my life, in ways he knew, and in some ways he never knew.

As much as I want to talk about a cell phone, or my hunt for a new pair of wireless headphones, I just can’t.  Not right now.