Peeling back the layers of the onion–
Not fast enough.
Slicing into the onion.
Each layer penetrated leads to
Another layer:
More pungent,
Smaller in size,
Bringing more tears than the last.

This is how I feel right now.

When will I run out of onion?  When do I hit bottom, so I can start to make my way back up to the top?  Where is the bottom?  When do I reach it?

It seems that every new day leads to momentary breaths of fresh air, but surrounded by an onslaught of stale, barely breathable air.  The memories come faster, the thoughts about what has been lost, what will never be experienced, the missing pieces of the puzzle–now rain down in steady downpour.  Everything screams Micah: every email, every text message, every conversation.

So many people have commented on my strength–still being involved with so many things that provide a constant reminder of what I have lost.  What do I do when my grip, when my strength starts to fade?  There is no magic power-up.  There is no oasis, no rest stop, on the highway ahead of me.  I express myself through these words, here on my online notepad, and it provides some relief, but I’m still on that highway after the words are uploaded.

Reality just sucks sometimes.  No matter how much I write, how much I do, what steps I take, I am never getting my son back.  No matter how many other people I help, no matter what I do in his name to make a difference, Micah’s beautiful tenor voice will never again be heard by a live audience.  No matter how many silent conversations I have with my son, I will never again hear his take on politics, philosophy or technology.  No matter how many times I cry, I will never hear Micah asking me if I’m okay.

There is no cure.  There is no alternate route.  There is no Plan B.  There is no making up for a lack of skill with hard work and effort.

No.  I’m not okay.

No.  I’m not going to be for some time.

No.  I’m not sure what tomorrow holds.  I can only hope it’s the bottom, so I can firmly set my feet upon it, straighten up, and start to look up at the light at the end of the tunnel, and plan my hike back up.

I hate onions.

 

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