Uneven is the landscape of my days–
Relishing moments of joy,
Feelings of fulfillment,
Interludes of bliss–
Dreading the devastations of sorrow,
Sensations of loss,
Expanses of emptiness.
Patterns that do not repeat,
But each day randomize and refresh anew.
Sometimes higher peaks,
Other days seem almost bottomless,
Black holes that allow no light to escape.
Similar threads persist.
Dark clouds on the horizon
Concealing the future.
Embittering the present.
But the occasional sunrise,
In all its brevity,
Still provides hope–
Sufficient to carry through
To the next moment,
To the next day…
To the next memory.
Life continues its rocky path for me. Fresh out of the weekend of memories–the Presidents Day weekend hockey tournament that had become so much a part of Micah’s life–of all our lives–for the past ten years, is now another historical event. With a couple small exceptions, the youth hockey season is over. I knew this would be the case going into the weekend, but it did not minimize the sharp pains of having to explain to new people why I was not watching my son play, why I was still doing this even though he was gone.
What do I gain from this, many asked. Satisfaction–that’s true, I still gain some satisfaction from a job well done, from seeing the smiles on the faces of the kids who win their games, who won their divisions. The look of joy on the faces of their parents–the pride, even from the parents of kids on teams that did not perform well, but who knew their kids gave it their all. How quickly though those smiles become daggers in my chest now. How rapidly the thoughts of how happy those parents are shocks me back to the reality that “this used to be me.” The longing to be hugging my own son and telling him how proud I am of his accomplishments…
Sure–it’s easy enough to walk away now, and undoubtedly I will from much of it. I can still do my part to help youth hockey in this state by helping run the league. I can still bring smiles to family faces as the public address announcer for the Roadrunners, for the occasional collegiate softball game, maybe even still the occasional youth hockey game. But its also time to reclaim a little (or a lot) more of my time for my family–and for myself.
With this hockey season coming to an end, it’s time to breathe a bit more. It’s time to get out my camera and take a hike. It’s time to start blogging more about passions as well as emotions–technology, theatre, baseball, music. My Chicago Cubs are about to start the process of defending their first World Championship title in 108 years. It’s about that time to maybe buy a new cell phone and tell you all about that decision process (or the recent decision to abandon the iPhone 7 Plus and go back to my old OnePlus 3 Android-based phone). We’re within a couple months (hopefully) of moving into our new house. I want some time to focus on these things.
Right now, I just want to get a good night’s sleep. Those have been rare. Maybe tonight will be one of those plateau interludes that allows me to rest…and think about the renewals of Spring.