As I probably laid out pretty well last night, the past few weeks have been exceptionally difficult emotionally.  Naturally, no sooner did I put those words on digital paper than I had a horrible night’s sleep, followed by an early morning breakdown.

Much as I like social media for entertainment value (and occasionally to get other messages out there), Facebook’s “Memories” feature has been an incredible source of pain.  I’m not sure pain is the right word.  Angst?  Catharsis?  Some memories are a blessing–face it, all memories of Micah (except perhaps for that fateful 27-hour period) are a blessing.  Every time I see a picture of Micah smiling, of time we spent together as a family, of Micah being silly or focused or engaged or–whatever, I remember the good things about my son.

Unfortunately, with those good memories comes the realization that those are just memories.  They aren’t old memories that are going to be supplemented by new memories–just old memories that will have to stand on their own.  With that realization comes tears.  With that realization comes sorrow–sadness that I won’t see Micah playing hockey again.  Sadness that I won’t hear him singing alone or with a choir.  Sadness that our Xbox is no longer his door to the virtual universe, but another reminder of the past.  Sadness that I won’t get home tonight from work to find Micah and his girlfriend sitting on the sofa watching anime, giggling and just enjoying each other’s company.  Sadness that a few months from now, I will be watching Facebook fill with high school graduation pictures of Micah’s friends and teammates, but not posting pictures of Micah in his cap and gown.

Sadness because of what I won’t ever get to see Micah do and achieve is not a new theme.  However, what I’ve rarely talked about is trying to tuck that sadness deep inside and get on with my daily life…

See, as wonderful as my bosses have been about letting me work around my issues, I can’t simply not go to work every time I feel sad…or lost.  On days like today, I wipe off the tears, swallow hard, and hop in my car to head to work.  I have cases, I have clients, I have work that needs to be done.  As wonderful as it is sometimes to sit in my home office and read or research, with all the emotional connections between our recent move and Micah, it’s easier to just go in to my office and try to focus there.

Sometimes I can focus on the work at hand, trying to bury myself in writing or reading or researching the latest topic.  A visit here or there from an attorney needing my help and advice can really help move me away from sorrow and towards focus on legal issues that can help our clients.  On some days, I get a few of those visits.  On other days–sometimes several in a row–my office and the hallway outside are a ghost town.  No one with questions stopping by…or calling…or emailing.

Today, I had purpose in the morning.  I got to answer a couple questions from a couple attorneys.  I was asked to proofread a colleague’s brief.  And then, as suddenly as the work came, it vanished.  The tumbleweeds started rolling down the hallway.  My focus faded…and it became much more difficult to get anything done.  Finally, I decided to distract myself by writing this entry in my blog…

It is now time for release.  I will pack up my things and head home.  I think tonight will be a stir-fry night.  And then maybe I’ll start re-watching Caprica…